Thursday, July 29, 2010

Cats are responsible for 95.2% of the world's false drug possession arrests

Before I actually start my post, I want to complain about Blogger and its fail comment system. My last post says it has zero comments...which is not true! I got a comment....FROM THE BLOGGESS! Jenny the Bloggess, who I love and worship, wrote a comment on my blog and Blogger says it doesn't exist! I'm deeply saddened by this. Anyways, onto the post!

I woke up this morning and started to get ready for work and I get a text message from my brother asking me to call the Boyfriend and tell him to hurry up because he's waiting out front (they work at the same place and my brother drives them there each morning).

So I call the Boyfriend up.

Effy: Are you alive? Mike's waiting for you downstairs.

The Boyfriend: Yeah, sorry, I'm coming. Had to vacuum the apartment first.

Effy: At 7am?

The Boyfriend: Well there are maintenance people coming over today and it looked like there was pot scattered all over the apartment.


The Boyfriend: It's not pot! It just looks like it!

Effy: So why is your apartment covered in fake pot?

The Boyfriend: It's catnip! The catnip you bought Roxy and put in a pile on the ground for her, remember?

Effy: Oh yeah, but she would've eaten it or rolled in it or something.

The Boyfriend: She spread it all over the carpet, it was very suspicious looking. I didn't want to come home to police officers tearing the apartment apart looking for my nonexistant drug stash!

Effy: Well I talked it over with Lauren and we agreed the apartment people wouldn't have thought it was pot, drug users are much more careful with their drugs and wouldn't have it strewn all over their apartment.

The Boyfriend: Because you're an expert on drug users, right? Being one yourself, I mean.

Effy: They are prescription drugs to keep me happy and not crazy!

The Boyfriend: Did you just say you're not crazy?

Effy: I'm not the one with fake drugs all over his apartment.

The Boyfriend: Okay I know they wouldn't have thought it was pot, but it was still horrifically messy. I seriously couldn't walk barefoot through my apartment, it was so bad.

Effy: I didn't make that much of a mess, did she knock over the container or something?

The Boyfriend: No, your genius cat just spread it out as much as possible.

Effy: Good girl! So smart!

The Boyfriend: Wooooow, thanks.

Effy: Hey, I'm just applauding Roxy's talent at making your apartment look like a drug stash exploded.

The Boyfriend: Well, you're an accomplice in all this.

Effy: I assure you, if the cops tear your apartment apart looking for drugs, I will pretend I don't know you.

The Boyfriend: Woooooow, love you too....

Effy: I'm just kidding. Obviously I'd help you run from the cops if they tried to bust you for drug possession. That's how much I love you ♥

I'm the best girlfriend ever :)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Only a few more incidents to go til I'm permanently resigned to a wheelchair!

I'm really not quite sure how I'm still alive at this point. My foot collapsed on me again and I now cannot put any pressure on it. I'd be worried it might be broken but I know it's not, because this is far from the first time I've experienced this exact injury. WALKING'S HARD, OKAY?

Let's recap just a few of the near-infinite examples:

1. Walking from the student centre to the math building at school, Effy steps off the curb and onto the road. Instead of supporting her weight and allowing her to continue to walk, Effy's foot decides to stage a protest against her and simply refuse to perform its foot-duties. Effy tumbles to the ground as the entire student body of her University stares at her and wonders who the heck this failure of a human being is. Effy limps off to class and the rest of the day before collapsing in extreme pain when she gets home and her mother insists on taking her to the hospital for an xray.
Verdict: Not broken, Effy's just incapable of walking for the next few days.

2. Effy and the Boyfriend are walking through the parking lot outside Best Buy when Effy takes a step off onto the pavement and collapses in a pile of paaaaaain. Once again the culprit is Effy's lazy ass foot who seemingly does not understand the concept of acting in a foot-like manner and supporting her as she walks. Effy is helped to her feet by the Boyfriend and they stagger off to the bus where Effy sulks over her inability to walk while the Boyfriend laughs at her just a little because he's a jackass and doesn't understand the extremely dire nature of the situation. The Boyfriend mildly redeems himself by insuring Effy's actually okay before really laughing at her, and asking if she needs to go see a doctor.
Verdict: No doctor needed, see verdict from prior EXACT SAME INJURY. Effy is left crippled once again.

and most recently,

3. Effy and the Boyfriend decide to go see Inception at the movie theatre near his apartment. To get to this theatre they walk through a parking lot to reach the mall in which the cinema is located. Effy steps from sidewalk to the gravel parking lot and, unsurpisingly, ends up on her ass grasping her foot which is yet again in excruciating pain after simply giving out on her. She also now has gravel in her knee and leg and is bleeding as well as dying her slow painful foot-death. Holding back tears, Effy insists they go to see the movie anyways, proceeding to half-limp half-hop the rest of the way with one arm slung around the Boyfriend's shoulders. Upon returning to the apartment that night, Effy finds herself completely unable to walk again, and somehow maneuvers herself to a taxi and returns home.
Verdict: Effy cannot walk yet again and is left to sulk in self pity as she finds creative alternatives to walking in order to get around her house.

Moral of the Story?

Effy: Feet are stupid. Who needs them? Certainly not me, especially ones which are clearly out to kill me with their selective refusal to perform adequate feet responsibilities.

The Boyfriend: I need to get you one of those "__ days without an accident or injury" signs to wear around your neck. Oh, but you'd never get past 1, so there's really no point is there?

Effy: ....I'm setting my relationship status on Facebook to "widowed" because you're dead to me now.